Charmin The Musical

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Words for Eight Songs

Characters: He and She


John Enright

© 2020, of course

Song 0, duet, the Opening

Together: We're hunkered in our bunker
And it's a dreary scene:

He: I wish that I had never heard
She: About Covid-19!

Together: Weeks locked up together
And time is just a blur.

She: I fear I'm starting to bug him.
He: I'm sure I'm bugging her.


Together: We fear this terrible crisis
Is putting us to the test.
Love is the bridge between us,
But can it take the stress?

She: And suddenly I notice
That our supply is low
Of one particular item
You use when you have to... go.

He: No need to speak so carefully.
Just call it by its name.

She: We're out of toilet paper.

He: Well, that is just a shame.
But maybe using something else,
We can get by - just the same.

She: I don't think so.
No, no, no, no.
Please, I implore,
Won't you head to the store,
And get us some more
Of my favorite brand
That's so soft in my hand?
Won't you go, go, go,
For me, out there,
And prove that you care?

He: You're making it awfully hard to say no.
Okay, my darling, I guess that I'll go.



Song 1, duet


She: Darling I see you have returned,
Returned from your shopping trip,
I hoped to see something in your hands,
But all that I see is zip.


He: I have returned with heavy heart.
I went out and really gave it a shot,
Alas the shelves were all stripped bare.
Nothing is all that I got.


She: I sent you out for just one thing,
The product I cannot live without,
The plushy roll that makes me sing -
Charmin is what Iím talkin about.


He: Iím sorry dear, I really tried,
I did my level best, I swear.
Store after store, I went inside
But squeezable Charmin was never there!


Song 2, solo for him

How can I ever explain to my wife
That toilet paper is not worth my life?
Shopping threatens my very existence.
Standing in line doesnít leave any distance!
Iím afraid I donít really want to be harminí
My own future health by shopping for Charmin.
I told her I went to the store - went inside.
But let me confess to the truth here - I lied.
I love her so much, and would love to be true,
But cowardly fear in the face of this flu,
Has made me a liar. Now what do I do?

Song 3, solo for her

Iím sorry to tell you, Iíve come to suspect
My husband is guilty of spousal neglect.
He promised to love me, to cherish, obey,
But Iím out of Charmin for nearly a day!
Did he go to the store, or is that just deceit?
He brought me no Charmin - not even one sheet!
I fear that our marriage will end in a split.
I really need something to wipe when I... sit
On the porcelain throne, but what can I do?
This holding-it-in has my face turning blue!


Song 4, duet

He: My darling, my dear, I have things to confess.

She: My darling, your language is causing me stress.

He: Promise me, sweetie, that you wonít be mad.

She: You must tell me first what you did that was bad.

He: I told you a fib. Just a little white lie.

She: Was this about Charmin? I THINK YOU SHOULD DIE!

He: Calm down, please, calm down - thatís a little extreme.

She: Calm down? When you say that - I just want to scream!

He: I did not go shopping. My heart just turned chicken.

She: I stare at your face and I feel my heart sicken.

He: How can I ever win back your affection?

She: By showing true grit in this time of infection!

He: How can I show it? Is that even feasible?

She: Just bring me a roll of the stuff that is squeezable!

Thatís all I can say, and I wonít say no more.

He: All right! I will do it! Iím off to the store!

She exits.

He: Oh no. I am doomed. I am chilled to my core.
But though I die trying, Iím off to the store!


Song 5, solo for her

Oh my, what have I done?
I sent my husband off on a toilet paper run.
Why did I do this? Really, for what?
Bottom line: to wipe my butt.
Is that any way to treat my poor hubby?
Doesnít it seem a little bit grubby?
If I tried... I could probably find
Something else... to wipe my behind.
Compared to Charmin, there's nothing as nice,
But I am prepared to sacrifice.
I love him more than life itself.
Iíll take whateverís on the shelf.
And if in fact the shelf is bare
Iíll go without. It just seems fair.
I must go to him now and make my confession
I squeezed him too hard with my Charmin obsession!


Song 6, solo for him


I will go forth to face my fears
Some things are worth our pain and tears -
Including the right to wipe our rears.
I get in my car. Iím ready to roll.
Iíve swallowed my pride. Iíve prayed for my soul.
Iím going to Walmart, in search of my goal.
Iíve put on some gloves. Iím wearing a mask.
One roll of Charmin Ė thatís all I ask.
Why does this seem such a terrible task?
The aisles are empty Ė no paper goods.
Here is the shelf where the Charmin once stood.
I should have stocked up Ė way back when I could!
I guess I should leave Ė try the next store!
But whatís this Iím seeing at that distant door?
It looks like a stock clerk coming out on the floor.
Is this for real, or just a mirage?
Heís got enough Charmin to fill a garage.
Maybe even enough for Nikki Minaj!
I charge at full speed before others can score.
I take just take one package, but itís twenty-four -
Twenty-four rolls! I am thrilled to my core!
Other shoppers are trying to tear it away,
So I weave and I dodge in a football ballet
Till I get to the check-out line, and I pay!



Song 7, duet

She: I'm sorry I sent you - that was outrageous.
And now that youíre back - are you maybe contagious?

He: I donít think that I took chances much
But let me shower before we touch.

She: But what is that behind your back?

He: I have obtained the thing we lacked:
Twenty-four rolls tightly packed!

She: You did it. You did it. Why did I doubt you?
The truth is I never could live without you!

He: I did it. I did it. I feared that I couldnít.
And if I didn't love you, I probably wouldnít.

Both: Somehow love has the power to inspire us
To overcome anything, even this virus!

He: I must say you're looking unusually glamorous.

She: I must say Iím feeling exceptionally amorous.

Both: Perhaps we could somehow slip off to bed
In hazmat suits with hoods on our heads!

She: But before we start to get it on,
Iíve got to make a trip to the john.
So give me a roll of that paper I crave.

He: This may be the best gift that I ever gave!

She: Love invites fights

He: But is somehow disarminí

She: I'll be your princess.

He: I'll be your Prince Charmin!

Both: And on that fair note, without further issue,
We wrap up our tale of extra soft ti